Category: Mom’s health chronicles

Sept. 2: 12 am. Through the work of my very talented brother, Michael, we’ve set up an online forum for sharing stories, recipes, and photos of my mom.  We named the website after my mom’s favorite flower, the forget-me-not.  You can check it out and begin sharing by visiting http://www.margotsforgetmenots.com/
Let me know if as you use it, you run into any snags!

Sept. 1: 9:45 pm.  My cousin Scott dropped off a CD at my house this afternoon.  I popped it in my computer this evening, and I was really touched by the video of pictures of Mom that he compiled into a video.  Thank you so much, Scott.
WARNING: Before viewing, you may want to make sure you are in a situation where you can comfortably sob and have several Kleenexes nearby.
View the video here.

Sept. 1: 9:30 pm.  Today has been such a hard day.  After the previously mentioned dreadful decisions we had to make about Mom’s funeral, Maretta had the brilliant suggestion that she and I go out for spa treatments.  So I booked Maretta for a massage, and I got a spa pedicure, and we recuperated through pampering.
I feel, though, like life is now full of little land mines, and until I really absorb and adjust to this new reality-without-Mom, I am going to keep stepping on these land mines and getting hurt.  The last few weeks, I think I was mostly concerned about the big things we would miss without Mom here.  I’ve been worried about her not being there for weddings and graduations and to see future grandchildren and all the celebrations and times of togetherness that we’ll miss and need her.  I’ve spent a lot of time mourning those big things from many people’s perspective.  But I think that at least this week, it’s the little things that are hurting.

Last night at the get-together at Terry’s, Maretta and I talked about how we were both waiting for Mom to come in.  I actually thought to myself, “I wonder where Mom is.”  Clearly, I haven’t fully come to grips with the situation at hand.  Tonight while Andrew was taking his bath, he was being overly rambunctious in the tub.  I was trying not to laugh at his antics, and I mentally filed away the situation as a story to tell Mom next time she asked me if Andrew was still cute.  I just simply cannot believe that she’s not going to call and ask me how my day was or that I’m not going to get to show her the color I painted my toes today.

It’s too much.  She’s too much a part of my life, a part of the mirror I use to see myself, to be gone.

So I think I will sit here for a few moments in the throes of unhappiness and wait for a joke or a wave of energy to break the mood and set me back on the new track that I’m learning to travel.  It’s just pretty easy to get derailed these days.
~Althea

Sept. 1: The details of the funeral and visitation are as follows:
A visitation will take place on Thursday, September 6, 2007 at Bethel Lutheran Church, 312 Wisconsin Ave. from 4:30 – 6:00 p.m. with a prayer service at 6:00 p.m. Mom has been a long-time member of Bethel.  It’s the beautiful church where I was married.

Mom’s funeral will take place on Friday, September 7, 2007 at St. Peter’s Catholic Church, 5001 N. Sherman Ave., at 10:00 a.m.  A time for visiting with family will take place prior to the funeral from 9-10 am. Although she was not Catholic, Mom has attended mass at St. Peter’s with Dad weekly for decades.  Father Roger will be officiating the celebration, and there will be a time to share memories about Mom during the service.

Details about burial location and and luncheon plans are still being determined.  We’re also hoping to create an opportunity for people to get together on Thursday evening after the visitation/prayer service.  Stay tuned for details.

We’ve just completed what I can only summarize as a dreadful meeting with the funeral home to determine all the arrangements for Mom’s funeral and visitation.  Ryan Funeral Homes was a great help, and the conversations we had were all collaborative and productive, but I think all of us felt slightly destroyed inside by having to make these kinds of decisions about our mommy.

Sept. 1: 3:30 am.  It’s the middle of the night, and I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to get up to make some edits to Mom’s obituary.  During our pizza get-together at Terry’s last night, he interviewed most of the attendees and from those conversations crafted a really beautiful and personal tribute for Mom.
We’re hoping to have it run in Sunday’s paper, which means we need to submit it by noon on Saturday.  Thought you might like to see our work-in-progress.

The picture is from Andrew’s second birthday party on June 22.  Mom was already getting sick again, but we didn’t know it yet.  In this picture, Andrew is sitting on her lap opening some engineer overalls.  It’s just so hard to believe that around 70 days ago, Mom was so vibrant and so fully present in our lives.  It’s been a hard couple of months.

MADISON – Margot Babler, 55, a woman of exceptional warmth and wisdom, died peacefully on August 31, 2007. She spent the final three days of her life at the wonderful HospiceCare center in Madison, surrounded by friends and family, the culmination of a 27-month battle with pancreatic cancer.

Margot was born on April 7, 1952 in Beloit, Wisconsin to Joseph L. and Lorraine (nee Bergmann) Davis. She is the granddaughter of Ward and Elsie (nee Leedle) Davis and Henry and Tekla (nee Loeber) Bergmann.  She was a 1970 graduate of Ashland High School, and she attended UW Whitewater from 1970-1972. On August 12, 1972, she married Kim M. Babler.

She has lived in Madison since 1977. Margot was kind, selfless, positive, honest, subtle, with a wonderful sense of humor and an ability to laugh at herself. She was optimistic and non-judgmental, accepting human frailties with humor and love. She had an unusually even temperament, and she was called upon by many for her qualities of judgment. She gave freely to others without expecting anything in return, and she had a unique way of enriching and bettering the lives of everyone who crossed her path.

Margot had an especially strong love of family. If her children needed anything, she was there to help. Many times, she knew what one of them needed before they did, and she had the uncanny ability to make her children call her on the phone. She taught her children the importance of respect and of cultivating long-term relationships, of independence and high self-esteem. She was the most wonderful person in the world to hug: she knew the power of a hug, and she would hug you as long as you needed. She gave one of the most important pieces of advice a mother can give: “Eat something, you’ll feel better.” To far more than her immediate family, she was “mommy.” She created a world in which a large extended group of friends became a real part of her family.

Several aspects of Margot’s character and life were truly extraordinary. She was an arts lover and a romantic who valued beauty for the sake of beauty (and not to impress); yet she always gave very rationally grounded, rock-solid advice to others. She had an intuitive and accurate sense of the right course of action in any situation. To her family and friends, it felt as if she always had the right answer to every question: she understood. Yet she also knew that sometimes the best course is to just sit with another person, not talking. She had unusually good taste and a sense of refinement, particularly in aesthetics and cuisine. Indeed she was both a wonderful decorator and cook, in the latter role not afraid to use butter andcream. Her dishes were made with love, and people across the countryare using her recipes. Margot had a rare innate ability to connect with all people on some level and to befriend everyone. Her abilities to know what others were thinking seemed psychic.

Margot was not perfect: she was an untidy housekeeper, disorganized and dependably late. She always fell asleep during the first act of operas and plays. But on the things which really count in life, she was right there, right on target.

Margot is survived by her husband Kim and four very special +children: Althea (Bryan) Dotzour, Michael, Maretta (fiance Kyle Zilic),
and Joseph all of Madison; her grandson Andrew Dotzour; her mother Lorraine Davis of Janesville; three siblings, Peter J. (Marcia) Davis of Iowa, Kate (Greg) Brand of Washington and Kirk J. (Susan) Davis of Texas; aunts and uncles John Bergmann, Mildred Klumb, Carol Lamm and Edgar Bergmann; and friends who are as close as family including Terry Haller, Thomas Kuczmarski and Jack Kussmaul. She was preceded in death by her father Joe on May 14, 1973.

A visitation will take place on Thursday, September 6, 2007 at Bethel Lutheran Church, 312 Wisconsin Ave. from 4:30 – 6:00 p.m. with a prayer service at 6:00 p.m. with Reverend Bill White officiating.

A second visitation will be held at St. Peter’s Catholic Church, 5001 N. Sherman Ave. on Friday, September 7, 2007 from 9:00 – 10:00 a.m.

The family also invites you to a funeral to honor Margot’s life well-lived on Friday, September 7, 2007 at St. Peter’s Catholic Church, 5001 N. Sherman Ave., at 10:00 a.m. with Father Roger Nilles officiating.

A memorial fund has been set up in Margot’s name at Olbrich Gardens. For friends near and far, please visit margots-forget-me-nots.com to share your remembrances, photos, and recipes.

Aug. 31: 4:30 pm.  There’s not a lot to report on this afternoon, but I’m used to doing regular web updates, so it seems right for me to sit down with the computer for a few moments.  Around 11 this morning, Maretta, Kyle, and I came over to Michael’s house where we joined Michael, his roommates, Joe and Becky, Terry, and Dad.  We sat around and laughed and cried and talked about things together.  After a while, we took a drive west of Madison to Riley’s Tavern.  It is a perfectly beautiful day today, and a drive through the countryside with the tall, drying corn and the beautiful wildflowers coveys a feeling of peace.

We went for a short hike along the Military Ridge trail, and then we came back and have scattered to take care of life’s errands before tonight’s get-together at 6pm.  Speaking of which, if you’re in the area, I’m re-extending an invitation for you to come to Terry’s tonight to join us.  6 pm at 100 Wisconsin Ave. #801.  Call me on Mom’s cell phone 239-5453 with questions.

We’re meeting with the funeral home tomorrow morning at 10 am to begin planning Mom’s memorial.  It’s new territory for all of us.

Michael and I are going to work to set up and online community for people to share pictures, recipies, and stories about Mom, so if you want to start thinking about things to share, please do so.

One thing I’ve noticed is that we have very few pictures of Mom…mostly because she was always behind the camera.  So I’m hoping that maybe our friends and family can help us fill out our collection by sending us images.  We plan to set up something online to help facilitate that, but if you’d like to mail me prints, I’ll scan them and send them back.  Or you can email me images to adotzour@gmail.com.

We are also going to compile a cookbook of recipes from Mom’s collection along with stories that people have associated with those recipes.  So if you feel like it, look through your recipe boxes this labor day weekend.

I’m glad the day is so beautiful.  My mom loves the sunlight of late summer days.
~Althea

Aug. 31: 9:30 am.  Dad called me at 7 am this morning to tell me that my dear, sweet mommy passed away in the night.  He and our friend Tom were with her, holding her hand, and sending her off from this life with love.  Dad said that around midnight her breathing became very shallow.  Tom had been sitting with her while Dad slept. He came and woke Dad, and so the two of them were with her when her spirit left her body at about 12:50 am.

The news was not unexpected…Dad had called me last evening to say that it didn’t look like she would be with us much longer. But I think I’d known that through the day.  I said goodbye to her and kissed her when I left Hospice at 6 pm last night.  I told her to have a peaceful night…and she did.  For the 14 hours before she died, Mom was still and calm; she seemed to have finished struggling.

I’m so glad we had these last several days of time in Hospice for her to be well cared for and for us to spend time with her.  I’m so glad for these last few mornings I’ve had, curled up with her in bed, smelling her hair and her skin and soaking up my last times with her physical presence.  But in a way, I was ready for her to go and for us to turn to the next chapter of our story.  This transition time has been challenging in its own ways.

Joe was staying with Michael last night, and Maretta stayed with me.  I think that we’re going to get together soon so we can be together.

So here’s some logistical information.  This evening, we are going to meet at Terry’s condo (100 Wisconsin Ave, #801) around 6 pm for pizza and community.  If you are reading this post and are interested in joining us, you’re welcome.  You can call me on my mom’s cell phone (239-5453) if you have questions.

During my sad conversation with Dad this morning, he said that at this point he is thinking about holding a visitation on Friday, September 7 with a funeral on Saturday, September 8.  Ryan Funeral Home will be helping us make arrangements.  More discussion about this and about nice ways to honor Mom will be discussed over the next week.

Aug. 31: 9:15 am.  I woke up to sunshine and cool air drifting through my open window.  As I lay in bed, appreciating the loveliness of the morning, I wondered where Mom was and how the evening had gone.  All night I had dreamed that she had died and I’d been trying to figure out how we were to all going to be OK.  Lying there in bed, and actually, now as I sit and type on my front porch, I have a stronger sense of being loved by everything around me.  The tree feels maternal…the wind seems to caress…

So I talked to Mom and told her that I didn’t know how I was going move forward and make her absence OK for all those who need her.  I don’t know how I am going to make things OK for Michael and Maretta and Joe and Dad and Terry and for everyone who loves and needs her so much.  So I asked for her help.  I asked her to assist not just me but everyone in her circle so we can all help each other and make this OK.  I don’t want her death to be a detriment, a blackened mark in our lives.  I don’t want me or the kids to be lesser, sadder people because of this loss.  I know that not having her here, with us, guiding and inspiring us is a loss and a sadness that we will always have.  But I’d like us to find opportunities for this massive life change to make us deeper, more compassionate people who breathe life ever more deeply.  I hope that having lost the person who is the core of so much of what we do that we can find loving, wonderful ways of weaving that gap together so that we become a strong community with fewer members but perhaps greater spirit.

Aug. 30: 4 pm.  Not much to report on this afternoon.  Joe should come walking through the door any moment.  Mom’s been sleeping peacefully for the last six hours.  She had a period between 9 and 10 this morning when she was quite agitated and unhappy, but since that time, her breathing and snoring and body language conveys a sense of peace.
Photos from the day are in the gallery.

I crawled into Mom’s bed with her again this morning for a while.  Mary Read was here and sat by Mom’s bedside until about noon.  Her daughter, Katie, is getting married on Saturday, so she had to leave to return home.  Terry came over in the late morning, and Maretta and Kyle also came at about noon.  Maretta has knit about four feet of a shawl in the last week to help pass the time.  It’s so long now that it covers her toes.

Bryan came again for lunch, and Maretta and Kyle stayed with Mom while Terry and Bryan and I went down to the beautiful cafeteria to have lunch.  After lunch, we pretended for a while that it was just a normal, nice afternoon, and while Terry stayed with Mom, Maretta, Kyle, and I went to Carl’s Cakes to keep an appointment to test possible wedding cakes.  They were yummy.  My favorite was the lemon poppyseed.

When we returned to Hospice, Jack and my friend Anne were here, and so we got to visit with them and they got a chance to see and talk to mom.

This afternoon, Mom has been very peaceful, but her breathing continues to fluctuate between slow, easy sleep or snores and a more disturbing gasp between long moments of quiet.

4:45 pm. I’m on my way home here in a few minutes.  Joe and Becky arrived pretty recently, and Maretta is going to stay at my place tonight.  I think that we have several visitors expected this evening, and the plan is for Dad and Tom to spend the night here with Mom again.

It’s hard to see Mom seeming to lose her grip on life, but it’s much harder for me to see the affect that is having on all those who love her.  I’ve received dozens of emails from people seconding the idea that Mom has been the center, the hub of a tremendous network of people.  And we’re all hurting together as we prepare to say goodbye.

With love,
Althea

Aug. 30: 9 am.  I just arrived here this morning with Mom’s friend Mary.  There was little activity overnight.  Mom was pretty restful and Dad said that she was only restless and agitated briefly around 2 am.

When I left at 6 am, Dad had recently arrived.  Also, Mary Isaacson and her son Donald, past neighbors from the other side of our duplex, came by to visit Mom.  Mary brought a frame for Mom’s room with the pictures from Mom’s last Christmas card…a picture of the four of us kids and a photo of Mom and Dad and Andrew.  It’s a nice reminder of happier times we all had together.

Julie and Kevin took Dad to The Great Dane for dinner last night, and Michael came over to stay with Mom for the evening.  Dad went home around 10:30 to sleep for a couple hours.  Tom came in the late evening and stayed with Mom until I arrived in the morning.  Dad also came back at about 2 am and slept in the chair next to her through the night.

I took Mary Read home last night.  Bryan made us all a yummy dinner, and after a while, Maretta and Kyle came over to visit too.  I had a nice talk with one of Mom’s friends, Debbie Riccio.  Then for a few hours, I worked with Joe and Terry to set up plane flights for Joe to return home.  He’s flying in to Milwaukee this afternoon, and Becky is going to go pick him up.  Just so everyone knows, I don’t think it’s worth bothering with “bereavement fares.”  From what I’d read, they are often higher than normal tickets, and when I tried to get one for Joe, the ticket cost $250 more than the price I could get normally.

Mom’s developed a cough and a bit of a rattle in her chest at times.  It’s a beautiful day today, and I’m torn but hoping that Mom doesn’t have to struggle down this difficult road much longer.