I have several parenting books that have spoken to my heart these past years. Favorites include:
- Dr. Sears Baby Book
- Happiest Baby/Toddler on the Block
- Raising Your Spirited Child
- How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
- Katrina Kenison’s books
- and most recently, ScreamFree Parenting
The major thesis of the ScreamFree Institute is that you can’t control your kids. It’s about focusing on your own behaviors and reactions – being a model rather than attempting to mold/direct/force kids to behave certain ways. And it’s helped me separate myself from my kids behavior (while remaining connected to them as individuals). For example, “I’ll hold you while you thrash and scream, but I’m just going to be breathing deeply and thinking about other things rather than trying to fix what’s making you mad or taking responsibility for making you stop.”
I get a daily emailed parenting tip from ScreamFree (I really don’t like that name, by the way…we’re not a household where there’s much screaming…other than by a small, curly-haired girl). This tip of the day really caught my eye (also copied below). If you’re interested in the tip of the day, you can sign up here. It seems to apply to so much more than just parenting. I copied it onto Facebook, but I thought that it was good enough that I would share it here too. Enjoy!
April 28, 2011 | Here’s your daily parenting tip from ScreamFree
“If your happiness depends on you children being happy, that makes them your hostages. Be your own happiness. And that way you are the teacher for your children: someone who knows how to live a happy life.” -Byron Katie, US author and speaker(1942- )
Hal’s Take:
Without even realizing it, we often base our own sense of happiness on external circumstances. We find ourselves dependant on things beyond our control to tell us how to feel. It is a very common thing to do. But just because it is common, does not make it helpful or mature. Feelings like happiness are choices that we must make on a daily basis – especially when it comes to our children.
If your child is throwing a tantrum or pitching a fit, guess what? That doesn’t have to make you upset. You can still choose to be happy. If your child is moping about and grumbling about her life, guess what? You don’t have to pull her out of her emotional ditch to feel good about yourself. You can still find joy. Even if your child is yelling at you how horrible you are, you do not have to take it personally. You can find peace. This is a very freeing sentiment because it allows you to recognize a simple and powerful truth. No one can make you feel anything. When this truth can sink in, you will be in a much better position to really be with your child as they go through these difficult emotions. And they will see that you are stronger than the winds blowing around you. They will naturally gravitate towards you and your calm so that you will be able to provide comfort, consequences, or clarity when they need it most.
-Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting and ScreamFree Marriage
