March 20: Yesterday I did a birthday card shopping run. Andrew helped me pick out birthday cards for our late March and early April family birthdays…Michael, Joe, Melanie. As I was in the card section, I scanned the “mom” birthday cards and had a hard spot in my chest as I contemplated that I would be getting my mom a birthday card (her birthday is April 7) if she were here to receive it. As winter fades into spring, I’ve found myself thinking of Mom a lot. And missing her. Missing that she is missing all this life around us.
I had a song on this morning that pushed all the buttons I needed to have a little cry about missing Mom. It’s a song from an album called Generations. The mom/daughter team sang at Maretta’s elementary school, and we went to a concert together.
Here’s the lyrics from a song called “You Can Depend On Me” that get me going every time:
Just as that old river flows, as the sun comes up and the north wind blows, just as sure as these are guaranteed, Mommy you can depend on me.
(Daughter): Down in your heart you know that I’ll be there I’ll be with you if you’re here or anywhere. And if you’re troubled, my song will lift you up so high, ’till happiness is shining in your eyes.
Just as that old river flows, as the sun comes up and the north wind
blows, just as sure as these are guaranteed, Mommy you can depend on me.Together and never apart.
Forever you can bet your heart(Mom): Deep down inside honey, you know that I’ll be here, I’ll be with you if you’re here or anywhere. And if you’re troubled and feeling like you can’t go on, let my love for you give you strength to carry on.
Together and never apart.
Forever you can bet your heartJust as long as that old river flows, as the sun comes up and the north wind blows, just as sure as these are guaranteed, honey, you can depend on me. Together and forever in sweet harmony, Mommy you can depend on me.
The part where she sings “if you’re troubled, my song will lift you up so high, ’till happiness is shining in your eyes” makes me feel so sad because it reminds me how much I liked making Mom happy. I loved to make her laugh, to do things that made her proud. I liked the way her voice sounded when I surprised her with some little treat. The little exclamation of delight. The happiness that would shine in her eyes. And it makes me so very sad that I can’t see those beautiful eyes again. I don’t get to hear her say, “Oh, SWEETIE!” when I show her something I made. It makes me weep.
When I’m listening to this song, and that verse makes me feel a moment of desperate sadness, then the mom’s verse sings, “Deep down inside, honey, you know that I’ll be here, I’ll be with you if you’re here or anywhere. And if you’re troubled and feeling like you can’t go on, let my love for you give you the strength to carry on.” And I know that my mom’s love for me, for Michael, Maretta, and Joe…for Dad and Terry and for Andrew and Sylvia…for our whole family is still alive inside of us. I miss her but I feel her love all around me. And I know that if I wasn’t here that my love would be left behind as well. Because when you take away the body and distill our spirits down to their truest essence, you’ve got pure, fierce, unending love. Andrew and Sylvia are going to be loved by me forever no matter what happens to any of us.
So we can be together forever. Even when we’re apart. But I do miss my sweet mommy even so.