April 25: In the last couple weeks, I’ve gone down to the basement and sorted through all Andrew’s old clothes to see what Sylvia can use and which things can get passed along to friends. I had mixed feels about the whole experience. I loved Andrew’s baby clothes, and it was wonderful to look through them all again. But so many of them were either from my mom or I had purchased while with my mom. And it made me really heart-sick to remember how much fun we had baby clothes shopping.
Now that it’s spring, I also just pulled out some clothes I had bought at the end of the season last year. In the box were the last of the items that Mom and I had bought for Andrew together. I still can’t believe she’s not here.
It is really hard to hold some cute outfit that we had discovered and loved over together and know that there won’t be any future clothes shopping trips with her. I can remember the store, the rack, the other things that we bought that day. Shopping was something we always had fun doing together. And that’s really an understatement.
I feel so sad that my mom wasn’t able to have fun looking for clothes for her beautiful granddaughter. And I feel really guilty for being the only one of my siblings to get to share a grandchild with her and to benefit from her parenting advice and expertise.
It really all just sucks.
Especially when I see the spring line of cute little boy shortalls that Mom admired last year and to be re-reminded with that hollow feeling in my gut that she’s not here to see them this spring. So I guess I’ll just admire them for her.