Sept. 28: I just woke up from having the most amazing dream. Since Mom died…exactly four weeks ago…I haven’t had any dreams about her. But last night I had this long and elaborate dream, and it was lovely.
In this dream, we were burying her with the casket open. And as we shoveled dirt onto her, I broke down and couldn’t watch. So I was sitting in a nearby room (I think we were burying her indoors, hmm), Mom walked in, freshly showered and looking completely healthy.
Her hair was curling around her face, and her expression was calm and happy. She said that somehow the shoveling of dirt onto her had woken her up. I thought about telling her that her body had been prepared for an open casket funeral, and there was no way in the world that she could still be alive, but I decided to let that matter rest. Who cared, she was right there in front of me.
We held each other, and I cried and told her how much I had missed her.
Then, in one of those dream-like transitions, Mom and Andrew and I were out shopping together. She pointed out a couple things she thought I would like. In one case, I was holding the same item in a different color on the other side of the same display. I said, “I’m going to buy this, Mom. It’s not every day you come back from the dead!”
Andrew was being a pickle, and Mom seemed to be having so much fun, was expressing so much relief at getting to watch him run around and do his marvelous exploration of the world.
For a long time, Mom and I wandered and shopped and talked…mostly about every day nothing. It was lovely.
Toward the end of the dream, she and I were curled up in her bed. She was wearing the night gown she wore some of her last coherent days at home, but now it looked good on her healthy, not-so-skinny body.
I cuddled close to her and smelled her skin. She smelled just like she is supposed to. I’ve missed that, without even knowing it. We laughed together at how white her legs are.
I was just so stunned to have here next to me, in my presence, and so fully alive.
She asked me if I felt like this was worth it. If the goodness I felt at seeing her again overshadowed the pain I would feel if she died again. And I told her I would take two more weeks of the torture of watching her die to have this one beautiful day. She seemed glad about that.
A couple moments later I woke up. My little sister is sleeping in the bunk above me; I’m staying with her in St. Paul this weekend. I spent a few moments thinking about how lovely it was to not have that sadness anymore. Then I realized that it had been a dream. Oh well. At least I got to see her.
I so hope I have more of those dreams. It really made me feel good. It made me realize that what I miss most is spending time to Mom and being close to her. I really makes me sad to think that we won’t be able to have anymore lazy days spent in happy company together. So if we can do that now and again in my dreams, that would make this new reality a little easier to bear.
And maybe when this new little baby is born, I can introduce her to Mom in my dreams too. Of course, I think she’ll already know her well. I have a feeling that in some form, Mom is going to be spending the next four months holding and singing to my little one. I wouldn’t be surprised if it came out already knowing all our lullabies.