May 11: Days like today really make me address some of the sadness that I carry around now that Mom is gone. It’s almost like I’ve found ways to store some of the hurts – nicely folded and put in printed hat boxes on a shelf in my heart. Then a day like Mother’s Day comes along, and I need to open the boxes up and shake open the contents. I felt really sad this morning that Mom couldn’t see her grandkids. It’s a hurt I don’t think about all the time, but today it just felt newly sad and unfair and so so hard that my mom of all people doesn’t get to enjoy her grandchildren. She would so love Andrew. And she’s stroke Sylvie’s soft, firm cheeks, and her heart would be so happy.
So I’d just like to put out there again for the record that this all is just very unfair and not fun at all.
Growing up, Mom had us believe that Mother’s Day was about grandmothers. When we were young, I don’t think we did much for our mom on Mother’s Day. It was all a part of Mom not asking for acknowledgment for herself. So I feel like she really, really deserved to get some payback for all her hard work in the upcoming years as she watched her kids flourish.
I think the things that make me the most sad about Mom not being her are
- having her miss out on my kids – and on other potential grandkids in the future
- having her miss Maretta’s wedding and watching her and Kyle start their life together
- her not getting to finish raising Joe and (to a slightly lesser extent) Maretta
Yup. Those are the points that are really hard for me to accept. There are all sorts of reasons why I miss her and why I want her back for me, but those are the reasons that I want her back for her.
Bryan and I took the kids out to the cemetery today. It was my first visit there since the burial. Dad had been by earlier with some daisies. On the way there, I told Andrew where we were going.
Me: “We’re going to the cemetery where we buried Grandma in the ground after she died. It’s a pretty place, and we wanted to go there to tell her we love her.”
Andrew: pause
Me: “How does that make you feel?”
Andrew: “A yiddle bit sad… They buried grandma in the ground?? I miss my mommy.”
So we talked about it a little more…I mention that I miss my mom enough that I really think Andrew has a pretty good handle on what is going on. And we went to the Windsor cemetery and stood near the bare earth on her grave site. It is a nice place. Mom talked about it in terms of being planted. She’s planted in a nice place. And we’re going to plant some trees for her. I think a scarlet oak and a non-fruiting flowering crab apple.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. We wish you were here.